Hiding Kitteh.

the kitteh is missing. =(

i guess technically the kitteh is just hiding really really well. either way, he needs to be found.

Deutschland war schön. Coachella was life changing.

Visiting Sylvia and her family in Hamburg was such a lovely trip. We began our journey on Thursday March ninth, at nine a.m., in San Diego. Lay over in Boston. Lay over in London. In Hamburg by five p.m. on Friday the tenth. (sixteen hours of flying plus time change...why hello jet lag). We spent the first day (Saturday the eleventh) touring the city. Covered the majority of it by the end of the afternoon. On sunday, we went to the zoo!




You could hand feed the animals and some of the animals weren't even caged. It was fantasic. We then visited with Sylvia's family. Her mother is originally from India, so she prepared indian food for dinner. YUM! We talked about what each of us had been up to, along with sharing stories, and even talking politics. Also a lovely experience. Her and I were talking on the way back to our hotel and she was saying how comfortable things were and it had been seven years since we had last spoke. I am hoping she can come to the states soon to visit us again. And so, on monday we head to the airport at five a.m. to do our flights again. Hamburg > London > Boston > San Diego. Home by eight p.m. Work the next morning at 4:30 a.m. Hooray jet lag! =/

I was home Tuesday and Wednesday, then off to Indio on Thursday for...

COACHELLA!

I was very anxious about the trip and the company that I would be in. I had a panic attack the night before. Tina and Scotty were my support and I love them so for putting up with my over reaction of concern. The camping turned out to be wonderful. Anthony just ignored me (which was preferable anyways), Nick was polite and said hello, asked how I was doing and introduced his lovely girlfriend, and it took Andrew and I awhile to speak to each other and when we finally did it was very very much small talk (it was pleasant and awkward to talk to him again), and Ian wasn't an issue or weird. Coachella was amazing, as promised. The experience was life-outlook changing. I got to see most of the bands that I intended on seeing and I was exposed to a bunch of new music that I am eager to get into further.



Sir Paul McCartney was a musical experience that I will never forget. I got to see a Beatle! He was worth the money alone. The video I took of him singing hey jude isn't uploading, but hopefully I can figure it out soon.

As for Coachella miracles: I did not get even a hint of a sunburn and I didn't even come close to passing out! Not only am I thankful, I am getting much better at listening to my body and taking care of myself.

Only negative thing in the past two weeks: my side pain has returned and this time it refuses to leave even when I sit down. Time for a CT scan.


Happy happy me. Relaxed me. Going to try my best to keep this feeling.

Countdown...s.

Germany: one day.

Coachella: eight days.

Excuse my vocabulary...sucky was the best descriptive word I could come up with.

I have been having a pretty sucky year. (year meaning past twelve months, not 2009 specifically). I have spent the majority of it alone and I think what worries me most is I am too comfortable with it. I am comfortable with the idea of anticipation. I have always had a difficult time making a commitment, to anyone or anything really. I am a very organized and planned person, don't get me wrong...but when it comes to long term things I tend to panic and think that I will be stuck there forever. I am currently reading five books (all fantastically written and captivating) and yet I can't settle on just one. I find myself missing characters from books I've read in the past or craving a new character all together. (has anyone caught the metaphor?) I bore too easily, i suppose. Is that a character flaw? Is it simply a matter of strengthening my patience? I'm getting way off topic. The point of my entry is to explore my thoughts on what I really need.

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” - Chuck Palahniuk.

Palahniuk is one of my favorite authors and this quote is quite possibly perfectly structured to express my needs. I never allow anyone to take care of me, I have this undying need to be completely independent and self reliant. But what if nurturing is all I need? What if I just need someone to tell me to just let go? I have felt like something big was going to happen since I was about seventeen. I've been just waiting ever since. I spent three years (17-19) completely tuned out to what was around me and missed everything that was right in front of my face the entire time. And I have spent the past two years trying to make up for all that was lost. Starting over isn't a real thing or even a real idea. I don't want to start over. I don't want to loose any of the memories I made or experiences I have absorbed. Horribly painful or blissfully perfect. I want to feed off of those memories and create something even my fast paced, too-creative-for-it's-own-good mind couldn't have imagined.


You can thank Eternal Sunshine For Spotless Mind for triggering this thought process. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it.

sigh.

i need a hug.

uggggggh.

day six of my headache. i've taken medication twice (which is a huge deal for me) to help relieve the pain. i also requested an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow. i really just want to not have a headache anymore.

come pick me up. take me out. steal my records.

oh, ryan adams...how you capture my thoughts exactly.

my short-lived crush on my co-worker was just that, short-lived. my interest in him was triggered by what seemed like flirting on his part. i decided i wasn't turned off to the idea of liking him (which i know, sweet of me right?). however, i didn't want to make any effort. those feelings involved into "okay okay, i like him". unfortunately once i make up my mind about something, i have a really difficult time sitting back and not doing anything. so, i invited the boy co-worker (as he is referenced to by myself/friends in the know) to a couple of outings, which he seemed interested in...but wasn't available. now i have no idea if he was flirting, no idea if i like him, and no idea how to act. on top of all of this boy nonsense, karin and i came to the realization that i am always the one to initiate a relationship. i have never been pursued or even asked out on a date. i feel as though i am, in fact, a catch and deserve to be asked out. now...before i get ahead of myself...i suppose i do get hit on by insanely creepy guys. boy co-worker told me about the regular who has a crush on me. he is in his late twenties/early thirties, asked me my age because he thought i was seventeen, and is married. vomit. to sum up, i am getting tired of being the girl boys like being friends with while secretly having feelings for and always needing to do all of the work.

whew.

okay, moving on.

in much better news, i am going to hamburg next month with my parents. it will only be for a couple of days, but it's germany! i was on edge about it for a few days because technically i'm paying for my plane ticket when i'm living paycheck to paycheck, our trip is during a "no requests off" time at work, and i had already requested the following weekend off for coachella. i spoke to my manager today and all is square. i leave for germany on the ninth and return on the thirteenth. i can work the fourteenth through the sixteenth. then, i leave for indio, california on the sixteenth and return on the twentieth. i will be an extremely tired but happy girl by the end of april.

on the subject of spending money i don't have, i called charter (gag) yesterday to discuss working for them again (gag). they are planning on opening a site in...

wait for it...

wait for it...

SAN MARCOS!

seriously?! how perfect would that be. i could work open shifts at starbucks (fingers crossed i can transfer to one up there because i love my job), get off around nine or ten, work at charter from about ten until three, and then go to school in the evening. i wouldn't have a life again! it would be so amazingly awful and fantastic at the same time. my hopes are way too up. i really don't think i would have any other option though. starbucks pays terribly but i love working there so much i refuse to quit. charter pays wonderfully, but i hate working there. so if i can work both, it will balance right? RIGHT!

i'm so very delirious. i've been up for over twelve hours and have work in ten hours. do the math if you care. i'm painfully sun burnt on one leg (stop picking on me sun). and i'm off to have dinner with melissa and her family. i think mel and i are dating, i'm convinced of it actually.

this post got more and more delusional as i wrote on. enjoy and comment something equally as delusional.



i almost forgot...happy belated pi day. the following is what i made (completely from scratch) for the occasion:

strawberry rhubarb pie.





mini pecan tarlets.

my favorite by far.

I need to keep up with the kitteh better.

Saying good-bye to my "space"

i deleted my account on myspace today and honestly it was about time. the only reason i held onto it for as long as i did was because melissa didn't have a facebook yet. now that all the necessary people i need to have superficial contact with are on facebook, myspace is now out the window.

now onto more realistic matters.

the get back loretta/silent comedy show last night at the ken club was so very much fun. wesley and i drove together and met up with ty, kyle, montes, and danny. i was happy for wesley that he got to reunite with old friends have wasn't forced into hanging out with his (although extremely cool) little sister. all three bands were completely enjoyable and i got to dance until my little heart was content. i am thrilled when i attend shows with kyle because he is right there with me dancing without a care.

i am really hoping to get back into healthy sleeping habits. as irresponsible as it is to stay out past midnight when i have work at four a.m. the following morning, i haven't yet regretted the time spent. i have been down about my relationships/friendships lately just because i came to the realization that i was friends with mainly couples. i absolutely love my closest friends but i have just been feeling somewhat lonely and seeking out attention and company. (therefore, accepting any opportunity to hang out). i am feeling much better now and am quite thankful for the friends i have. although i don't have anyone in mind, i think i am just ready to have a boyfriend again. i don't do single well and miss being a girlfriend, it would be nice to meet someone whom i could spend time with and talk to.

my thoughts are scattered currently. i blame my headache. more later.