Excuse my vocabulary...sucky was the best descriptive word I could come up with.

I have been having a pretty sucky year. (year meaning past twelve months, not 2009 specifically). I have spent the majority of it alone and I think what worries me most is I am too comfortable with it. I am comfortable with the idea of anticipation. I have always had a difficult time making a commitment, to anyone or anything really. I am a very organized and planned person, don't get me wrong...but when it comes to long term things I tend to panic and think that I will be stuck there forever. I am currently reading five books (all fantastically written and captivating) and yet I can't settle on just one. I find myself missing characters from books I've read in the past or craving a new character all together. (has anyone caught the metaphor?) I bore too easily, i suppose. Is that a character flaw? Is it simply a matter of strengthening my patience? I'm getting way off topic. The point of my entry is to explore my thoughts on what I really need.

“What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.” - Chuck Palahniuk.

Palahniuk is one of my favorite authors and this quote is quite possibly perfectly structured to express my needs. I never allow anyone to take care of me, I have this undying need to be completely independent and self reliant. But what if nurturing is all I need? What if I just need someone to tell me to just let go? I have felt like something big was going to happen since I was about seventeen. I've been just waiting ever since. I spent three years (17-19) completely tuned out to what was around me and missed everything that was right in front of my face the entire time. And I have spent the past two years trying to make up for all that was lost. Starting over isn't a real thing or even a real idea. I don't want to start over. I don't want to loose any of the memories I made or experiences I have absorbed. Horribly painful or blissfully perfect. I want to feed off of those memories and create something even my fast paced, too-creative-for-it's-own-good mind couldn't have imagined.


You can thank Eternal Sunshine For Spotless Mind for triggering this thought process. If you haven't seen the film, I highly recommend it.